March 3 Psalm 25:1-10
When I read today’s passage of Scripture, I remember myself crouched in the corner of my room, my head buried in my arms, weeping hot tears. I see myself flying down Interstate 35 thinking that all it would take to end the pain would be a quick jerk of the steering wheel as the bridge abutment approached. I think of that afternoon in my therapist’s office when I finally accepted the truth about myself I’d been denying all those years and imagined it would cost me everything that was precious to me. I remember the old friend who rejected me, the former pastor who called down judgment on me, and the loved ones who gave me the silent treatment. When I read today’s passage, I do not feel defiant; I remember what it’s like to be paralyzed by fear.
And then I remember the prayer I found taped to a seminary professor’s door in the middle of those dark, lonely days– words that helped me to move in spite of my fears and eventually through them:
My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
Thomas Merton, Thoughts in Solitude
O God, break me of my reliance on certainty and teach me to rely on your grace.